Digital Wilderness

These were read on CarTalk, good for a chuckle, so I thought I’d pass them along.

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court.” These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent — don’t miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Geek & Poke brings us One Day In The Life Of A Coder

One of my all-time favorite clips from a sitcom.

When Theo brings home a poor report card, but claims he doesn’t need good grades to get a job. So Cliff gives him an economics lesson with Monopoly money.

Some of my favorite quotes:
“The government comes for the regular people first.”
“Theo…that’s the dumbest thing I’ve heard in my life! No wonder you get D’s in everything!”
“I am your father. I brought in this world, and I’ll take you out.”

This pretty much sums up why I have so many unfinished, draft posts…

Usually, writers will do anything to avoid writing. For instance, the previous sentence was written at one o’clock this afternoon. It is now a quarter to four. I have spent the past two hours and forty-five minutes sorting my neckties by width, looking up the word “paisly” in three dictionaries, attempting to find the town of that name on The New York Times Atlas of the World map of Scotland, sorting my reference books by width, trying to get the bookcase to stop wobbling by stuffing a matchbook cover under its corner, dialing the telephone number on the matchbook cover to see if I should take computer courses at night, looking at the computer ads in the newspaper and deciding to buy a computer because writing seems to be so difficult on my old Remington, reading an interesting article on sorghum farming in Uruguay that was in the newspaper next to the computer ads, cutting that and other interesting articles out of the newspaper, sorting—by width—all the interesting articles I’ve cut out of newspapers recently, fastening them neatly together with paper clips and making a very attractive paper clip necklace and bracelet set, which I will present to my girlfriend as soon as she comes home from the three-hour low-impact aerobic workout that I made her go to so I could have some time alone to write.

Via Michael Hyatt.

As heard on CarTalk, from washingtonpost.com: Word Equations. Some of these are pretty good; others, not so much. Have you heard any/come up with one? Share it in the comments.

[Update: Here's a whole site of them: morenewmath.com]

Ennui = Boredom + thesaurus

Subpoena = Invitation – RSVP

Surrealism + bowling = Anchor

Entitlement – experience = Teenager

Fun at 30-year reunion: (Football captain’s baldness + cheerleader’s obesity)/Yours

Constructive criticism = You suck + here’s why

B + $8K = DD

Big Mac = Special sauce + lettuce + cheese + pickles + onion + cardboard

Helpmate = Husband – recliner

Uncle Sam x 24/7 = Big Brother

Tofu = Protein – fun

Crocs = sandals – dignity

Religion = Cult + 150 years

French = Latin + useless silent letters

Diet program = Anvil – Feather + Anvil

Movie at theater = movie at home + big screen + 120 db + $10/person + sitter + people texting in front of you + not clicking on Pause when you go to the bathroom

50 = 30 + 25 lbs.

Window of opportunity < door of failure

2009 = 2004 – money + hope

Iranian = Straight – M. Ahmadinejad, Tehran

Reality TV = Reality – real life

Chipmunk = Squirrel – rat

National debt problem = Whole lot of zeros + their bosses

401(k) + (2009 – 2008) = 201(k)

Unfashionable = Trendy + 3 months

15 +/- 14 = Express lane

Prostatitis = The urge/the stream

Eccentric = Insane/kind of amusing

Eureka = Wrong + wrong + wrong + wrong + not wrong

? + ? + ? + ? + salt = hot dog

Greenspan + 90dB – 40W = Cramer

Tween applying makeup = Clown face – clown

Husband = Boyfriend + buying feminine items at the supermarket

Snail mail = E-mail + punctuation – instantly regrettable impulse

United Nations = (Lofty ideas – ability to act) + funny blue helmets

Success = Failure + press secretary

Household budget = Income – expenses – Oh, they’re having a sale on big-screen TVs!

Travesty of justice = Total ink awarded – ink going to me

Some Swine Flu tips from local TV station WLWT channel 5 via twitter

• Swine flu tip #1: Somewhere, right now, someone is asking if they can get swine flu from bacon. Don’t be that guy.
• Swine flu tip #2: You can get swine flu if living closely with infected swine. So, ladies, if your man’s a pig, good time to let him go.
• Swine flu tip #3: You cannot get swine flu by watching Porky Pig cartoons. Only slight chance of bird flu from Daffy Duck.
• Swine flu tip #4: Media hype inversely proportional to actual threat. So, if we stop talking about swine flu, *that’s* when you should worry.
• Swine flu tip #5: Flying Pig Marathon is unlikely to create swine flu problem. Just don’t lick other runners.
• Swine flu tip #6: If you feel ill, assume it’s the swine flu and you’re going to die. No matter what anyone else says. You’re doomed.
• Swine flu tip #7: If you’re going to cough or sneeze, cover the mouth of everyone within 60 feet of you. Duct tape works well.
• Swine flu tip #8: You will not get swine flu by Googling “swine flu”. You might get a virus, but it won’t be swine flu.
• Swine flu tip #9: That whole thing about you can pick friends, pick nose, not friends’ nose? That’s some good advice right now. Just say no.

“Today we’ll be looking at a common situation encountered by all singles: Passing.”

“Just remember:
Approach Timing
Gesture Appropriately
Pass Confidence
or A.T.G.A.P.C”

Via Josh Harris: Scripture for E-Mail, Blogs, Twitter and Facebook .

Psalm 141:3
Set a guard, O Lord, over my keyboard;
keep watch over the door of my send button!

James 1:19
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to read, slow to reply all, slow to click send.

Proverbs 10:19
When blogging is abundant, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his keyboard is prudent.

Proverbs 12:18
There is one whose comments on blogs are like sword thrusts, but the comments of the wise brings healing.

Proverbs 14:7
Don’t follow the Twitter feed of a fool, for there you do not meet words of knowledge.

Proverbs 12:23
A prudent man conceals knowledge, but the Twitter feed of fools proclaims folly.

Many of you know that I enjoy Geocaching, which can be best described as “using multi-million dollar satellites to find tupperware in the woods.”

Podcacher.com has a forum in which participants share some of Murphy’s Geocaching Laws. I thought I’d share a few of the funnier ones that I read on the forum.

• When showing friends about geocaching, you’ll have several DNFs [Did Not Finds] in a row
• You’re always on the wrong side of the river or stream
• You’re always on the wrong side of the fence.
• It will always take you longer to find than you expect.
• The muggles sitting near ground zero are always settled in for the long haul.
• You always find the easy way in . . . on the way out.
• You realize you could have parked 10 feet from the cache after hiking in 1/2 mile.