Digital Wilderness

This is a tough post for me to write and share. My battle will be as much public as it will be private, though, and maybe this will help me connect with others in a similar situation, so here we go…

Last week, I had an appointment with my doctor for a routine physical (which I hadn’t had since college) and routine blood work (which I had never had done).

This was prompted by trouble sleeping and excessive thirst back in April. At the time, I wasn’t too concerned about it. I thought it was due to stress, from being too busy and other events around that time. After the symptoms persisted and several people suggested they matched those for diabetes, I scheduled a visit.

This past Monday, I got a call from the doctor with the results. As was suggested, the symptoms were indeed caused by diabetes. The doctor diagnosed me with Type II diabetes mellitus (adult-onset diabetes). My fasting blood sugar was 255 mg/dL, with the normal range being 60-115 mg/dL. The doctor prescribed Metformin, is sending me to a diabetes education class next week and will check up on me in three months.

This news is still sinking in. It’s one thing to hear I have it; it’s another to realize how it could affect my life. Other than the thirst, which has returned to normal in recent weeks, and trouble sleeping, I don’t feel “sick.” Everything is about to change though. I’m going to have to pay attention to what I’m eating, watch my portion sizes, count carbs. My love of pasta and bread is going to have to be held in check. No more eating what I want, when I want. Exercise is no longer going to be something I do for enjoyment but will become a necessary part of life.

I’m not sure what led to me “getting” this disorder. There’s no family history (though my dad is borderline as of recent years). I’ve tried to stay active, maintain my weight, drink plenty of water, avoid sugary pop, eat healthy, watch portions, etc. Sure, I don’t always get it right, but I didn’t think eating too many fruit snacks one day or too many O’Charley’s rolls another would affect me that much. I’ve read that 80-90% of Type II diabetics are overweight, but that’s not the case here. In fact, I’ve gotten healthier since I started doing 5Ks three years ago.

Regardless of why I didn’t think could be diabetes, once the symptoms were associated with the disorder, I was sure I had done this to myself. I thought I could pinpoint a period a few months ago where I slipped up more than usual and wasn’t taking care of myself as I should have been. I was sure this had thrown my body so out of whack, there was no recovery. However, this has been discounted by several people. Apparently, diabetes isn’t something you can just “do” to yourself.

This is hard for me to accept, that it just happened, that my body just isn’t working right. In typical Chris fashion, there has to be a reason, I have to know what caused it. I don’t think I’m ever going to get that answer and that is hard for me to swallow.

My issues with acceptance don’t stop there. Another aspect I’m having trouble accepting is that I’m going to be on medicine. For the rest of my life. I don’t like taking medication. Even if I have a bad headache or a migraine, I usually suffer through it without taking medication. Now I have to be intentionally consistent with taking the prescribed medication, dealing with any side effects, most likely until the day I die. That bothers me to no end. I feel like this is a short term sickness, just like any other, that will go away after a few days or so. I’m still of the mindset that a better diet and more exercise will return everything to normal.

That’s the other issue that I have. I want to beat this. I want to research and learn everything I can about it, find the cause, find the solution and work hard to knock it out, just like any other goal I have.

But I can’t.

Everything that I’ve read says diabetes does not have a cure. So while it’s treatable with diet, exercise and medication, it seems I’m stuck with it. And that is so very hard for me to stomach. I can’t accept that I have to learn to live with this, that there’s nothing I can do to return my glucose levels to normal, to “teach” my body to use its insulin properly again or make more of it. It just doesn’t make sense that I can’t correct what’s wrong.

I think that’s going to be the hardest part of coping with this disorder – accepting that it was nothing I did to cause it and accepting that there’s nothing I can do to fix it.

There a Sunday School lesson in there, that like salvation, it’s not about what we do. Christ accepts us and loves us as He made us. There’s nothing we can do or stop doing that can make Him love us any more or less than He already does. But how often do we struggle with not feeling worthy, thinking we have to do or be more to earn His love or get noticed? How often do we try to add control to lives by our deeds, rather than just being in His mercy and grace? It’s so hard to realize how powerless we are, to let go and realize He’s taking care of everything.

I’ve worked in the pharmaceutical industry for almost 4.5 years now. I’ve worked on countless studies involving diabetes research. Metformin, fasting glucose, HbA1c, insulin, OGTT, timed meal tolerance tests and a number of other terms have become a part of my everyday life in the office.

Now these terms have taken on a whole new meaning and have become a part of my everyday life – period.