Digital Wilderness

Many of you know about TomTom (a company that makes car navigation devices, among other things) and the voices that go along with the navigation. Well, they’ve just released a new voice – Darth Vader. Here’s a funny “behind the scenes” video for it:

I love the part at 1:20 mark when the guy asks Vader to make it sound less depressing Looking forward to seeing what they come up with for Han Solo, Yoda and C-3PO.

These were read on CarTalk, good for a chuckle, so I thought I’d pass them along.

These are from a book called “Disorder in the Court.” These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent — don’t miss the last one.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or 35, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present at the time your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I always dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then, it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Geek & Poke brings us One Day In The Life Of A Coder

An excerpt from Men Are Like Waffles, Women Are Like Spaghetti.

Do you find these true?

Nicknames
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. But if Mike, Charlie, Bob, and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

Eating Out
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Bob and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

Money
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item she doesn’t want.

Bathrooms
A man has six items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Dressing Up
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book or get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Offspring
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends and favorite food, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A mans is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

The Lord is my real boss, and I shall not want.
He gives me peace, when chaos is all around me.
He gently reminds me to pray and do all things without murmuring and complaining.

He reminds me that He is my source and not my job.
He restores my sanity every day and guides my decisions that I might honor Him in all that I do.

Even though I face absurd amounts of e-mails, system crashes, unrealistic deadlines, budget cutbacks, gossiping co-workers, discriminating supervisors and an aging body that doesn’t cooperate every morning, I still will not stop – for He is with me!

His presence, His peace, and His power will see me through.
He raises me up, even when they fail to promote me.
He claims me as His own, even when the company threatens to let me go.

His faithfulness and love is better than any bonus check.
His retirement plan beats any 401K there is!
When it’s all said and done, I’ll be working for Him a whole lot longer and for that, and I will Bless His Name!

Amen.

[Via Human3rror]

I don’t watch Leno. Didn’t when he was on late night (I preferred Letterman those very rare times when I was watching TV that late) and haven’t since his new show started earlier this week. However, last night his show was on mute in the background while I was on the phone and one of his guests/segments caught my eye. I paused it and went back to watch it later.

And cracked up.

Hamish and Andy, a comedy duo Australia, participate in the World Ghosting Championships. Watch this clip from Leno’s show:

And here are a few more ghosting segments:

And here’s a very funny non-ghosting clip; this one’s Three Step Hiding (start at the 2:20 mark)

This pretty much sums up why I have so many unfinished, draft posts…

Usually, writers will do anything to avoid writing. For instance, the previous sentence was written at one o’clock this afternoon. It is now a quarter to four. I have spent the past two hours and forty-five minutes sorting my neckties by width, looking up the word “paisly” in three dictionaries, attempting to find the town of that name on The New York Times Atlas of the World map of Scotland, sorting my reference books by width, trying to get the bookcase to stop wobbling by stuffing a matchbook cover under its corner, dialing the telephone number on the matchbook cover to see if I should take computer courses at night, looking at the computer ads in the newspaper and deciding to buy a computer because writing seems to be so difficult on my old Remington, reading an interesting article on sorghum farming in Uruguay that was in the newspaper next to the computer ads, cutting that and other interesting articles out of the newspaper, sorting—by width—all the interesting articles I’ve cut out of newspapers recently, fastening them neatly together with paper clips and making a very attractive paper clip necklace and bracelet set, which I will present to my girlfriend as soon as she comes home from the three-hour low-impact aerobic workout that I made her go to so I could have some time alone to write.

Via Michael Hyatt.

As heard on CarTalk, from washingtonpost.com: Word Equations. Some of these are pretty good; others, not so much. Have you heard any/come up with one? Share it in the comments.

[Update: Here's a whole site of them: morenewmath.com]

Ennui = Boredom + thesaurus

Subpoena = Invitation – RSVP

Surrealism + bowling = Anchor

Entitlement – experience = Teenager

Fun at 30-year reunion: (Football captain’s baldness + cheerleader’s obesity)/Yours

Constructive criticism = You suck + here’s why

B + $8K = DD

Big Mac = Special sauce + lettuce + cheese + pickles + onion + cardboard

Helpmate = Husband – recliner

Uncle Sam x 24/7 = Big Brother

Tofu = Protein – fun

Crocs = sandals – dignity

Religion = Cult + 150 years

French = Latin + useless silent letters

Diet program = Anvil – Feather + Anvil

Movie at theater = movie at home + big screen + 120 db + $10/person + sitter + people texting in front of you + not clicking on Pause when you go to the bathroom

50 = 30 + 25 lbs.

Window of opportunity < door of failure

2009 = 2004 – money + hope

Iranian = Straight – M. Ahmadinejad, Tehran

Reality TV = Reality – real life

Chipmunk = Squirrel – rat

National debt problem = Whole lot of zeros + their bosses

401(k) + (2009 – 2008) = 201(k)

Unfashionable = Trendy + 3 months

15 +/- 14 = Express lane

Prostatitis = The urge/the stream

Eccentric = Insane/kind of amusing

Eureka = Wrong + wrong + wrong + wrong + not wrong

? + ? + ? + ? + salt = hot dog

Greenspan + 90dB – 40W = Cramer

Tween applying makeup = Clown face – clown

Husband = Boyfriend + buying feminine items at the supermarket

Snail mail = E-mail + punctuation – instantly regrettable impulse

United Nations = (Lofty ideas – ability to act) + funny blue helmets

Success = Failure + press secretary

Household budget = Income – expenses – Oh, they’re having a sale on big-screen TVs!

Travesty of justice = Total ink awarded – ink going to me

What if God had text messaged the 10 Commandments? It might look like this:

1. no1 b4 me. srsly.
2. dnt wrshp pix/idols
3. no omg’s
4. no wrk on w/end (sat 4 now; sun l8r)
5. pos ok – ur m&d r cool
6. dnt kill ppl
7. :-X only w/ m8
8. dnt steal
9. dnt lie re: bf
10. dnt ogle ur bf’s m8. or ox. or dnkey. myob.

M, pls rite on tabs & giv 2 ppl.

ttyl, JHWH.

ps. wwjd?

[HT: ChurchCrunch]

“We’re so busy watching out for what’s just ahead of us that we don’t take the time to enjoy where we are. Days go by and we hardly notice them. Life becomes a blur.”

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